I read Moviefone’s Girl’s Guide to ‘The Avengers’ So You Don’t Have To



Hey, did you know that girls are DUMB? Moviefone does! They wrote a really super specific GIRL’S GUIDE TO ‘THE AVENGERS.’ 

Girls, we know you’re just going to this movie because your boyfriend wants to see it. I mean, we drag them to romcoms and chick flicks all the time, it’s only fair we go see one of their BOY movies. Boys totally love different kinds of movies than girls do, ones where dudes run around and beat each other up and there’s explosions and blood and stuff. Moviefone has your back, though, if you need some deets. Never heard of superheroes? Of course not! You’re not culturally savvy! Girls don’t like that stuff, unless they do, but if they do, they probably don’t have boyfriends, so they don’t need a guide like this. Here’s what you need to know!

As your boyfriend probably told you, “The Avengers” is hitting theaters this Friday. And you, dutiful girlfriend, are attending. But you hate action movies and you’ve never even read a comic book. (Of course, that’s not a slight against the girls who actually do read comic books — i.e. real fans, actual people with varied interests — but for this, let’s just go with the stock view of ladies, ladies!)

Omigod, you totes hate action movies! The sight of sweat and blood is just so ick to your delicate, subtly shaded eyes! Because you are not a person with varied interests. Rest easy, ladies! Moviefone’s created something awesome for you so you don’t have to, you know, think:

we’ve created a streamlined girl’s guide to ward off any confusion or mid-movie what’s-going-on whisperings.

And, if you’re worried, this article will absolutely help you impress your boyfriend with some interesting factoids just like in that chick flick where Renee Zellweger plays the fat, sad British lady who can’t navigate social situations because she’s so dumb. Just like you!

Including cocktail introductions a la “Bridget Jones’s Diary” and boyfriend impressing tidbits, below is everything you need to know about “The Avengers.”

So, Captain America is HUNKY. The Hulk is the result of an OOPSIE. Thor has super blue eyes, and the Black Widow’s defining character traits are her tight outfits and her status as “friend” to Hawkeye. Moviefone put that in quotes for you, because they’re so sly and they want you to know about fucking. Also, even though she can hold her own with the guys, it’s important for you to know about her “sexy chair number.”

Now, in case you’re worried that there’s too much action, or whatever, Moviefone will tell you up front that these very manly superheroes are TOTES down to earth: “These heroes are so much more than strong! They’re sweet and sensitive!” Bruce Banner is just like your dad, and Captain America is super old fashioned. Thor, Hawkeye, and Iron Man? Their hearts have been captured by sweet ladies—who are probably just like you!

So, you may want to ask your BF—who of course knows like EVERYTHING there is to KNOW about STUFF—some questions that will occur to you throughout the movie. You should not ask these questions, because they’ll either make you sound dumb or pathetic, which you are because you had to read this article, but you don’t want your BF to know that about you because you want him to have sex with you.

What NOT to say:
“Do you think Scarlett Johansson is pretty?”
“Oh, so it’s like the ‘New Years Eve’ of superhero movies?”
“Who could concentrate on the story with all those biceps?”
“Boys are so weird.”

I mean, these things will naturally occur to you because you are a) insecure, b) not possessing discerning taste OR just totally into romcoms but not other kinds of things, c) superficial, or d) wicked dumb and confused about things that are MASCULINE. That’s okay, because you’re a girl. It’s totes expected.

The thing is, you do want to have some opinions so he knows you’ve been paying attention and like the same things he likes and think exactly the way he does, so Moviefone has given you some talking points that you probably won’t understand, but it’s okay, because really they’re just conversation starters so that your BF can tell you everything you need to know. Or they’ll flatter him, which is important so he keeps thinking how super sexy and awesome YOU are for having thoughts.

What to say:
“Thank GOD someone did the Hulk correctly.”
“I can’t wait for ‘Thor 2.’”
“Joss Whedon is the man.”
“Yeah, you’re definitely Iron Man. If he were buffer.”

So that’s it! Snuggle up at the theater with your BF confident in your knowledge of basic characters and ready to tell him how sexy he is when it’s over, when you will pander to him about his interests instead of having any of your own! 

The exciting part is that the article was written by a woman!

YAY!  This makes me so happy.

hahahaha dat commentary